


Save me, Corporal

by hanjizoes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-14 02:39:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1249669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanjizoes/pseuds/hanjizoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has gotten out of hand, he can no longer control himself and before it can get any worse he asks Levi to end it all. There's nothing left to do but that and the grief he witnesses is nothing compared to his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save me, Corporal

_My fingers grasped the collars of his shirt, my hands were bloody and shivering, I was sure he was going to scold me for ruining his shirt. As if I could even live long enough to witness that one, I thought. I pulled him closer, not intimately, just close enough for him to hear my ragged voice mingled with my raspy breathing. The rain around us grew heavier and my body shook more than it could possibly shake. And I whispered in the Corporal’s ear, “Save me, Corporal. Save me before I destroy humanity.” And before I could do or say anything else I felt the blade pierce my skin and touch my heart and the rest was absolute darkness. Whoever told you there’s a light on the other side, was wrong, because all I see here is a black hole of nothing._

 

So that was the end. At least I thought it was the end. I expected more to my life, more accomplishments, more life-saving and fighting for the sake of mankind. But apparently my inner Titan didn’t agree with my heart’s desires. In the end, I was destined for an untimely death amidst rain, with dead men’s blood on my hands, and a blade struck right in my heart. By Levi. When the Titan in me was too strong for me to control I guess it went on a rampage that no one could stop. I’m assuming I killed a lot of innocent people, and when I was finally put down, my actions were irreversible and not even Mikasa could erase the deaths I’d caused. I didn’t want to live the rest of my adolescent life as the teenage Titan shifter who killed hundreds of people just because he didn’t understand the term: “self-control”. 

 

So I made Levi kill me, and some tiny part in me is glad he didn’t hesitate, the other part just wishes I’d had enough time to say goodbye. To Mikasa. To Armin. To everyone. But this was the harsh reality we lived in, and there was nothing I could do about it now. I was accepting death pretty well for someone who wanted nothing more than to stay alive and kill every Titan that ever walked this planet. But there were people better than me to do the job, they would save humanity even when I was buried in the earth. 

 

I finally began to notice my surroundings, which wasn’t anything special at all. My feet were planted in a dark empty place I’d never seen, it’s so dark I can’t see my legs, my arms, my hands, I can’t see anything. And for a second I panic, because what if this what death is like, what if I have to spend the rest of this “afterlife” in a void, just a dark black void? And suddenly, I’m terrified. But then I start remember why I died, why I’m here and the terror disappears and I feel silly. Even if I could see my hands I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to look at them the same way again, they’re probably stained with blood and I know it’s not possible since I’m already dead, but even in the dark, I picture it; the hours before I died. 

 

I picture the blood and it’s red, so very red. It’s dripping around me like an unwelcome rainstorm and there is nothing but a blinding anger coursing through me, an anger that I want to, but can’t, control. It pulses through my every vein, artery and muscle. It pushes and pulls and tugs my insides until I’m drowning in it, and it’s everywhere. My lungs are filling up with it, the blood and the anger and everything in between, it’s entered my ears and flowed through my nervous system and I’m standing here, my fists clenched, reveling in this uncontrollable emotion. 

 

That’s when I asked Levi to plunge me, right in the core, right where it hurt the most, where I was the weakest. My heart. And I didn’t know if it was the look in my eyes or the strained tone in my voice but he did it and I wonder if he’ll ever forgive himself for it. I think it’s stupid of me to thinking about these things, I mean, I’m dead after all. I won’t magically resurrect all of a sudden, as fucked up as this world is, it’s not magical. At least I don’t think it is. 

 

I’m still floating in this dark, black void and I’m confused. Is there where I’m supposed to be? _Where the fuck am I?_ And of all the things I could be thinking, I’m just thinking one thing; Levi. 

 

It’s a recurring thought, on a constant loop in the back of my head like a broken cassette tape. _Levi._ I call out, and suddenly, like his name was a command the black void is gone and the colors around me shift, transporting me to the last place I ever thought I’d go to. _Levi’s bedroom._ The memories here are fresh, and the only thing my dead brain cells can remember is the first, and only, time I kissed him here. I was scared out of my mind, I was terrified and nervous to the point where my fingers were shaking and every inch of my body was shivering with a cold breeze that wasn’t even there. But our lips met sooner than expected, and I don’t know who kissed the other first, and I don’t think it even mattered but after it I was dizzy for a while. Levi had managed to grab every emotion inside me and steal it away with his lips, which felt as soft as cushions, and I didn’t want it to be over. 

 

The more I think about the moment, the shorter it feels, like I should’ve insisted to stay longer, perhaps I could’ve pretended to fall asleep on his bed. I’m not sure he would’ve let me since I smelled like sweat and teenage hormones but from the way he kissed me that night I don’t think he would’ve minded either. But I left the room that night with my heart beating in my stomach and my fingers still shivering from the rush of it all. You’d never have known that I died 24 hours later.

 

***

The bedroom is empty and I don’t know how I got here but I’m kind of sick of asking myself questions that I won’t get any answers to so I just wait. My eyes drift to the crisp, clean bed, it’s spotless, as always. Levi’s desk is impeccable, not a single trace of dust in sight and I’ve always admired him for his passionate cleaning. It wasn’t a freak thing, like everyone thought, it was something he enjoyed doing, and it was his nature. I don’t think I was in any sort of position to judge him for his habits when I could swell into an incomprehensible size. Just as my eyes drift to the shut door, it swings open and Levi strolls in, his steps are loud and angry, and then he just stops and stands in the middle of the room, motionless. I wonder when he’s going to get out this trance and I move my hand to reach out for him, almost touching his face, before he snaps and I flinch back as if I was actually in the room. Levi breaks, and whatever composure he must’ve let everyone see outside, he loses in a matter of minutes. He starts ruining his bed, flipping the mattress and punch the bed frame angrily like it wronged him in a way. Then he walks to his desk and flings everything to the floor, his things scatter everywhere, pens and papers are flying, and before I know it Levi has flipped the desk too and the crash I hear next makes every dead part of my body itch to touch him and tell him it’ll be okay. There’s a lamp on his bedside table but it suddenly seems like Levi doesn’t want to go anywhere near it as he sinks to the floor.

 

His back is leaning against what’s left of his bed, and then I realize he’s still wearing his 3DMG. He slowly takes it off and sets it down beside him, it’s such a graceful motion that I’m suddenly hoping he’s calmed down. That he’s anywhere close to being alright. But he’s not. Because for this first time I witness Levi’s tears and they’re streaming down his flushed cheeks and I ache to wipe them away with the tips of my fingers. The crying is silent at first, and you could never even tell he was doing it, he was just sitting there as every emotion inside of him poured out of his eyes. Then he started to shake, and sob, and the tears were now sadder than they were a minute ago, they were full of heartbreak and regret, guilt and this lingering feeling of abandonment. 

 

With tears still in his eyes Levi grabs a blade from his 3DMG and holds it to his chest, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same one that went through my heart. He clutches on it for dear life and I watch as more tears unfold and I just want him to stop, I want all of it to stop. I didn’t die to witness this, I don’t want him mourning me this way, I want him to go on, to move through it all and not think about me. But even I know how absurd that sounds. I’m waiting for Levi to make another move, but he just sits there as the blade digs into his arms and I wonder if it hurts but I’m sure he doesn’t care at all right now.

 

“Why...” he whispers to himself. “Why did he make me do it?” If my heart was still beating right now, I’m pretty sure it would break. “Why did I listen to that annoying brat.. I can’t believe it.” He suddenly looks up and for a second I think he can see me but he just stares at the ceiling that maybe I might be listening, like whatever he’s going to say next is going to be directed straight at me. 

 

_I’m listening, I’m right here, please... don’t cry..._ I plead. 

 

“You’re such an annoying shit you know that? I can’t believe you’re dead. You shouldn’t be dead. You should be here, with us, with me, with everyone. I can’t believe you made me do that, you made it seem like there was no other choice, that this was the only thing that could save you. And you’re probably right... But that doesn’t mean you could just leave–” and his voice starts to crack and he’s crying again. I don’t know if I’m capable of crying but I do. I’m not sure about the tears and where they’re going but I cry because I don’t want him to cry alone. I will myself to move and sit down beside him and I’m sitting so close that a part of me thinks that maybe I’m alive after all, but it’s an afterthought because I don’t think having false hope when I’m _dead_ will help anyone. I rest my head against Levi’s shoulder, he’s stopped shaking but I can tell the tears are still flowing and I want them to stop. I just want them so badly to stop. 

 

“I was falling in love with you, y’know that?” he whispers under his breath, like he doesn’t want me to hear. “I was on the verge of shredding all my dignity and pride and shoving it down the drain just to spend at least one single night with you. You were annoying and frustrating. You asked too many questions and at some point I thought you feared me but I’m hoping I misinterpreted it. I don’t think I’d be able to accept hatred from a boy who asked me to kill him...” God, I can feel everything inside him break with every word he utters and I don’t think I can handle listening to the pain in his voice anymore. 

 

A silence drags on, and in that silence Levi talks, but without any words. I see the look on his face as I move to sit in front of him. There’s a blank look in his eyes that I wish wasn’t there, his lips are twitching slightly and his cheeks are wet and glossy from the tears that are still pouring down his face. He opens his mouth slightly and I think he might stay there shellshocked the entire night but then he starts to whisper something. It’s lost in the air, and for some reason I can’t make out what he’s saying, and then he says it again. And again. And again. Until it’s not a whisper anymore and it’s a shout, it’s a cry, it’s all the sanity he has left and he’s wrapping it tightly and tucking it in and I wonder why I want to leave all of a sudden. Why don’t I want to witness the downfall of my dear corporal? Why do I want to run away and come back when he’s back to the strong, brave man I know him to be? 

 

_“Eren”_

 

He says it one last time, and it’s a calling, a chant, he’s trying to stop himself from saying it again but he says it over and over again. 

 

_“Eren”_

 

_“Eren”_

 

_“Eren”_

 

_“Eren”_

 

“Come back,” he finally says. And that’s when I realize what I did to him. I broke him. And I want nothing more than to come back and put all the pieces back together. Levi, right now, is a 1000 piece puzzle and I will spend forever if I have to, just to make him whole again. Then it hits me that I can’t and I don’t know if the realization hurts more than the fact that I’m actually dead. 

 

_Pull yourself together, Corporal._ I say. And I’ve said it once to him before. When his squad died and I was a mess and he was a mess but he was on the brink of collapsing and of all the things I could’ve told him that night, I told him to pull it together, and he did. I wish I could tell him that tonight. 

 

***

 

The blade is still in his arms and I don’t know why he hasn’t let go of it yet. He’s stopped crying now, and I’m glad he has. Almost glad. I want him to snap out of it but I don’t think an angry teenage boy has any right to say, or rather think, that. It takes me a moment to realize that Levi’s clothes. They’re still wet. Which means he probably sat in the rain for a while and I hate what I’ve done to him and I want to take it back but I don’t think I want to. I want him to realize that I made that decision not only to save mankind but to save him, to save Mikasa and Armin and Hanji and Jean and Erwin and Connie and Sasha and everyone else I know. I wanted to save them before I killed them all. If I stayed it would’ve gotten worse and I would’ve killed myself before killing any of them, a traitor of my own body. 

 

Levi is moving now, I can tell he’s trying to channel all his willpower into fixing his room and shoving aside his grief. There’s no one here to see him but he wipes his tears with the back of his hands, he slides the blade back in the 3DMG, and he gets up. The mattress goes back on the bed, with the sheets and the pillows looking spotless as before. The papers and pens are picked up and brought back to the desk and it doesn’t even seem like they were all over the place a few minutes ago. I revel in Levi’s capability to finish everything in a matter of seconds, making his room seem cleaner than it was when he got in. 

 

There’s a knock on the door and Levi and I jump in sync. He strides to the door and opens it reluctantly and he tries to keep his hands steady but I can see that he’s shaking and as soon as Armin and Mikasa stride in his room he’s back to his soft composure, like nothing was wrong a few minutes ago.

 

Armin’s eyes are rimmed red and I don’t even think I can identify the emotion coursing through Mikasa, I don’t want to even look at her. She jumps on Levi the minute he opens the door, her hands wrapping around his throat and I can see her knuckles go white and Armin is trying to pull her away but his heart’s not in it and I notice Levi. He’s not even bothering to resist. I can tell he’s uncomfortable but he just gives Mikasa a blank glare and she notices it and let’s go. Her hands drop to her sides and just when I think her knees will give in and she’ll fall to the floor, she straightens her back and the words that come out of her mouth are laced with agony of the purest kind. 

 

“Did he tell you to do it?” she asks, and I can tell she’s trying not to scream. “What happened? Why did you listen––?”

 

“I did it because he told me to. He was on the verge of destroying everything in his path when he stopped himself and he told me to end it. You can hate me as much as you like but it’s what he wanted and I think I would’ve done it even if he hadn’t told me to.” I don’t know which part of what Levi said is a lie, but I can tell that he wasn’t being completely honest. 

 

Armin is crying silently by himself, and he pushes Mikasa’s arms away before she can hug him and all I can think about is the grief that consumes all of them and how they’re suffering. Silently or publicly. I didn’t think I was so important until this moment, I didn’t realize how much I meant to these people until I had left their lives, and I wanted to come back, I so wanted to come back. 

 

Armin has drifted into an abyss in his mind, I don’t know what he’s staring at on the floor but it’s the only thing his eyes can focus on. Mikasa is now sitting on the edge of Levi’s bed and Levi is standing in the corner of the room, observing them both. I want to tell him to take care of them, to tell them it’s going to be okay, that they’ll survive this just like he will. I’m only one person amongst many and they have to save a whole race and I know they’re capable of doing it. I can just tell. I don’t think Mikasa and Armin need to be looked after, those two are many things but they’re not weak. 

 

I don’t know how long they sit together in Levi’s room. Suffering in silence. Basking in the tragedy of the moment that has gone by and that’s forever implanted in their brains. And suddenly, they leave. Armin walks out of the room, he’s barely uttered a word and I want him to turn around, I want to see his face one last time, even if there’s pain written all over it. Mikasa waits a couple of seconds, she ticks them off in her mind, then she steals a glance at Levi and walks out, slamming the door behind her. 

 

Levi exhales and falls on his bed, exhaustion taking over him and it seems like he’s too scared to fall asleep. He’s fighting it but I lie down next to him and put my hand on his even if he can’t feel it and then his eyes close shut and I whisper in his ear. 

 

_“Levi.”_

 

And it’s like he can hear me and his lips form a frown and he let’s out a breath, and whispers one last thing before the dark void consumes me again.

 

_“Eren.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it, I'd love it if you tell me what you think (good or bad I don't judge) it would mean a lot. Thank you~


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